Sunday, March 28, 2010

My Heart is Burning

I have never felt so depressed in my life before December 18th,2001. From the time i received the devastating news to a month later, I was mourning and depressed. We never know how much we love someone until they're gone. When my best friend Brittany Medina passed away, I lost someone very special to me, and i knew I would never find a friend so special again. Brittany and I were best friends from first grade until December 18th,2001. We were like peanut butter and jelly. No one or nothing could have ever broken our friendship, except death.

It was December 16th, 2001 two days before the devastating tragedy, and Brittany kepty saying that she had a weird dream that something bad was going to happen. Being the vigilant friend I am, I told her not to pay attention to her dreams like that. Instead she ignored me and continued to tell me about her discomfronting dream. As she proceeded, my stomach felt like it was jumping out of place. Had I only known, I could never have let her put that dreadful curse on herself. Brittany was such a beautiful, intelligent, free-spirited person and I would have hated for something bad to have happened to her. On the day before Brittany's death, she was so happy. She was living life on her own. strong like a solo shinning star. I don't know why, but it was the most ecstatic time of her life. When I think about it, it seems so sad that she was so happy on the day before her death without even knowning it was going to be her last time at life.

Decemeber 18th,2001, my heart is burning. The night before I was tossing and turning, because something dark was keeping me from sleep. A warm, soft, whisper was trying to tell me something. Something terrible had happened. As I walked into the school court yard, my stomach jumped into my mouth as I saw people crying everywhere. All of a sudden i started to feel like I was all alone. I started to search for Brittany, but couldnt find her. My heart started burning. I couldnt' catch my breath. My friends came hastily towards me. They kept screaming something,but I was deathly afraid. Suddenly I had fallen into their arms and started weeping. I dont know who I heard it from but someone cried into my ear, "Brittany burned up in a fire," "She was in the hospital and 90% of her body was burnt." "She's gone." Those where the most unacceptable words I had ever encountered in my life. As I continued to cry I felt a slight breeze come across my face. It had seemed like I could hear a little voice say, "Dont be sad, I'm hear." I stopped weeping.

From that moment on I knew in my heart and spirit that the little voice was the angle Brittany had become, who whispered in my ear. Later that day I felt no more grief because I knew that Brittany had ascended to a beautiful place. But disappointingly one month later i needed Brittany. I felt so alone, like I never have in my life. Therefore I was once again full of grief and loneliness.

Friday, March 26, 2010

My Life......The Revolving Door

My life is like a revolving door. People constantly are walking in only to walk right back out. I dont understand what the reason is for them to come into my life just so they can leave??? They leave without notice or reason. They come into my life and leave quite an impression, sometimes good and sometimes bad. The pain that I endure from the revolving door is unbearable. I can only take so much. The worst pain of all is when these people leave without notice. I dont even get to say goodbye or even get an explantion of why they are leaving. Why must they hurt me like this? It just isnt fair! The revolving door has become a BIG part of my life, it is my life, and it has turned it into a complete disaster. Its all because of the revolving door that I cant trust, love, or care anymore. Trusting people has put more stress on my life then i can bare. I just cant trust anyone anymore! Loving people has put more scars on my heart then its even capable of having. And careing for people has only make me look like a total fool. In and out in and out, thats all my weakened eyes see everytime that revolving door moves. The revolving door never stops spinning. Will it ever stop spinning?? Or will it continue to spin and bring people in and out for the rest of my life? I dont think that i can take one more person walking into my life and me begin to love them trust them and care for them only to get crushed and left alone. I just cant handle the revolving door any longer.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Vera Wang

Vera Wang is one of the most talented designers in the world. She is actually one of my most favorite designers. Her sense of detail is beyond incredidable. Vera Wang is based out of New York and is known for her collections of beautiful wedding dresses.Vera Wang not only designs wedding dresses but she also designs shoes, costumes for finger skaters, jewelry, eyewear,fragrances, and even housewear. She not just a fashion desiger but she is the defintion of a True Artist.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Bloody Knife

I never wanted my life to end like I did when i was with him. Being with him was like being with the devil. He was so evil, so violent, so cruel. To him i was nothing. To him i was worthless and undeserving to live. He was like a Vampire, he craved the look, smell, and taste of blood.And my blood was the only blood that he desired. Hitting me,punching me, grabbing me, kicking me, scratching me, pulling me, beating me, anything and everything that could make me bleed he did.

I never thought that in a million years i would ever be in a abusive realtionship but i have and it can happen to anyone. What made me think that i was so special that id never get into a abusive realtionship i dont know but no longer do i think that the worst cant happen to me.

When i first met the devil of my life he was a prince charming. So right, so perfect, so desireable. I never even thought about anything negative of him. I was in high school and i was young and naive so of course i thought i was in love and had found my prince charming. He was handsome, star football player, popular, and so sweet. He was great for the first month of our realtionship until i found out that he was cheating. The whole time we had been together he was dating another girl at our school with the same exact name as me! How ironic. Of course he denied it and i believed him. So a few weeks after the the cheating incident his true colors started to show. He became aggressive, clingy, pushy, demanding, and violent. People around the school actually named us Ike and Tina! He was so violent with me everywhere and anywhere even in class and infront of people. I never in my life been so embarrased!My prince charming had turned into a MONSTER.

Leaving wasnt a option for me because he had threatened my life so what choice did i have? I was stuck in hell with the devil himself. Things got worse over time and it started when he sexually abused me. The physical, mental, verbal, and emotional abuse was nothing compared to the sexual abuse. I wanted to down right DIE. I felt like a rag doll being tossed around.I couldnt tell anyone because i was scared and embarrassed. Each time i had seen my own blood drip from my scars i felt more worthless. I didnt even feel real anymore. He would watch the blood drip and lick it like it was candy. He would rub the scars n stare at them as if it were the most fascinating painting he had ever layed eyes upon. He was in love with his "Bloody Kife" not me.

I finally found the strength and courage to break away from hell and it was not easy. I had to become in love with the "Bloody Knife" as well.

The "Bloody Knife" is what stopped my heart from beating. Its what took the real meanig of love away from me. But it also has made me a stronger and wiser person today. I'll never forget the experience i had with him, ill actually cherish it because of him i am who i am today. I forgive him. I forgive him for everything he did and how he feel in love with the "Bloody Knife" and turned on innocent me. My heart was murdered and my soul was strengthened by the doings of the "Bloody Knife"